Impatience, desired perfection and the lack of tolerance of noise, do not make for a beautifully connected puzzle. Actually, I am, in my opinion, the worst mother. Ever. Self doubts, too many days, cause me to wonder if the puzzling progression of daily life will get the best of me.
As an adoptive family, alcohol abuse and opiate addiction, along with a woman’s right to choose self gratification over a baby’s health, outline our daily struggles. Psychological and inherited differences etched deep on their DNA, sometimes grate on my very last nerve, and every single day, scare the bajeebers out of me.
As I’ve said before, I never dreamed that I would be psychologically able to mother 6…5 perfectly rough Dudes and 1 precious Princess. Noise, dirt and chaos are not wished for in my “Safe Place.” Full nights sleep, quiet mornings, perfectly lined books in height order, and sparkling white toilets are a distant memory of a life long ago.
It’s amazing to me how God, in His Heavenly warped sense of humor, and with mercy and grace, could piece one’s life together in a perfectly flawed puzzle, where all the pieces, though from different puzzles, still miraculously interlock.
If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be the matriarch of a family of 8, I would have laughed you right out of Appalachia. Speaking of Appalachia, who would have wagered that I would still be here. Even more surprising is that right now…this very noisy and chaotic day, I am content. Choices that were made for me 30 years ago have made my contented life as it is today. As hard as it was then, I’m so very grateful today.
So in all of my anxiousness, in all of my self doubt and impatience, the Puzzle Maker doesn’t need me to work out all the details. My job is to “do the next thing.” My placement in this simple yet chaotic puzzle, is to say “Yes!” My obedience is required, as He will work out all the frightening yet miraculously perfect details…one puzzle piece at a time.